Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Report 126, its time to stop hiding and start posting!

I got the ebook " You are a writer" by Jeff Goins and it got me thinking, when I finish it ( BTW very good book, inspiring and hit all the right place to give writers a boost--kick in the but-- to get things together and write, like a writer should do.)

It got me thinking. I am a writer, but no one would believe or trust my word because I never publish anything! And well it got me thinking of, getting a kick in the ass and actually publish something, on my blog or something just... like a wip/ first draft of a story I want to write.

my grammar isn't great, I had a voice and lost it with a fight of words by trying to stop trying to copy other writers style because I want to be like them. I liked to reread my old stories I write with pen on paper because its me, its my voice and I don't think when I wrote those, I just followed what the voice of my character told me, I wrote and describe what I saw, and I love reading it, I laugh again when I get to know my characters over and over again. ( drive my boyfriend nuts, say I'm weird because I laugh at my own stuff, I just say I'm that good :P )

I want to get my voice again, but its a huge fight in my head, to get words on a page that make sense, while I"m trying to edit as I write, over thinking because I'm afraid that every word I place down is miss spelled or that I didn't place the right grammar or anything really. I just got that mind set drill in my mind for so long that its hard to break the habit. I'm so scared that my mom would see my stories on paper and get the fucking red pen and just... well burn everything, critic my fucking spelling instead of reading the story.

I want to know about the story I don't care how awful the book will look like at the end, that's what revision are for, but really I got traumatized, that's why it took me so flipping long to start writing again, to get all those stories in my mind down. And like it happen to Jeff Goins, it was my friend who told me, who remind me of my dream.

Yu see, she is a professional plush maker and she makes a lot of big bucks when we were in college and I just, I was jealous, because she had income, by doing something she love to do. I told her that.

I said: " I wish I could do something like that, I wish I could do something I like and get a few bucks" with a shrug, she just look at me, with this look, pure envy,  for something I didn't know

"You write, I wish I could make up amazing stories like you do ever five minutes! That's something you like, you can do something about it."

She did the push, because that, that shock me. I just looked at her like a deer caught in headlight, shocked. that's when it just click in my head, like a swift " Why not? whats stopping me really?" I though to myself, I just hummed and turn around to think about that in my room.

I didn't do anything but it still open this door in my mind that made me wonder really what - why-  was I so scared to write. Now I do, but I still don't publish. I have I don't know how my awful fanfic I wrote on mini notebooks, I have like around 30K or so of fanfic written down in files. So really, I don't know why I should be scared, yeah no one likes critics, but I learn that it also can be a good way to improve. It did for my art why not my writing right? I wrote once every week for the past year, and when ever I read back in previous reports I can see on how much I improve.

anyway back to the point, I want to write a new story and post every progress on this blog ( cause I hate making other blogs I like to focus on just one.) I wont be starting right now on posting chapters and my writing. No I want to make it awesome. I want to show how I do my thinkering. I want to, basically have a record of how I go from idea, scenes, story, to first draft.

The first step I guess is to choose which story I be doing. No more hiding.

I do want t write about my first story, my first live character in my mind, the place I would go when ever I got bored in school. But I have two that I get down too that I really liked. First one, was called "The seven portals" ( okay it was "the 7 spheres" but really portal is better I did change it a few years back so it counts) which is the first story where you meet James (A -to-Z blog challenged post ) its his first adventure.

 The story goes down to, a representative of earth is randomly chosen to find and destroy the sphere across the world to stop a evil being to get to them ( and you know take over the world.) Its both a adventure and romance story.

I think, if I remember correctly I decided that it would be seven because I was what, 12-14 and just started to read harry potter and wanted to be just like J.K.Rowling. ( who doesn't!) I remember binding a stack of white paper together and color the back and front like a real book with my name and the title and I wanted to write it in there, but never manage too, just kept the story to myself cause I was scared my mom and sisters would read it and say it sucks.

god that was such a long time ago....HO god I'm old.


The second one is something I will write anyway, before or after, its the same deal seven ( I think, I'm just remembering out the top of my head for this one, the first one, the seven portals, I recently look back through my old notes for it), its " The guardians" where, again, a human girl comes down to the new world and which a bunch of kids are in training and search for their god guardian, when they found it they are transformed with their spirit god animal, get stronger with special ability and try to win the endless war once and for all.

James is there, older and wise and help the kids in their journey.

This story, is more about the history of their world, their gods. It's still witty and the kids are send through a bunch of trial to get their spirit god animal. Its like Digimon and sailor moon merge together. Digimon because of their search witting themselves to find their guardians, and sailor moon because they transform after. They get armor and a design weapon to match the god that they will basically represent, or that the god chose.

I have a bunch of stories in this world I want to create ( I call it Tjar).

I have one its like romeo and Juliette but with a river mermaid and an wood/forest elf.

I have another its a group of four trying to find the four dragon head to protect the world from a evil force coming down on their world. That one is sad, one of the guy dies, but he is remembers by the gods and made as a constellation in the sky. And we get to see the white village, its just so beautiful. I wish I could take a picture of my imagination or mind right now and like post it. I'll will paint it someday.

Its-It's like its name, its white, but not blinding, just pure. It calm and when ever you walk around there you fell so relax and well rested. The grass is white and blue like its made of snow, the threes are tall and scares, everything is leveled, there is no noise, no animal live there though, there is little lights floating around and there this soft present all around you, covering you in a warm blanket like. (everything look like its covered in snow and ice, threes, grass, leaves, everything.) That's the presence of magic, That's where the biggest source of magic there is in that world.

... Sorry got carried away.

I think the best course of action would be to start at the beginning, the first story and since everything goes around James age, might as well start when we first meet him! Seven portal it is! I wont be able to start working on it right away unfortunately ( one, everything is pack because I'm moving in like 5 days.) but when I will have everything in control again in my life ( moving, job, uni) I'll start planning along side of my revision. It would give me a new push, a new motivation to continue writing. I will place a new tab for it, to remind me.

Thanks for reading! Comment are welcome and always loved,

Steph~   :D

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Report 125 terrified

In a week, we be moving to PEI and I am absolutely terrified.

IN a week, I"m packing all my shit up and move in another PROVINCE! I wouldn't be as scared if I still be in NB but we decided to move in PEI. I have no regret, I love the island, everyone I talk to and say I be moving there say that I will love, I will enjoy it. Everyone that once lived there say they absolutely adore it.

I think the reason that I am freaking out inside the most is that I was giving all my hopes on Scott having a good job over there but we still didn't hear anything form the company over there when he send his application. Today is the Jalloo festival ( a two day convention where people from the gaming and animation industry comes down and give workshops, plus a time for industries looking for hiring can look through the graduates portfolio.) and there is a few people from PEI that came down. So we have a chance there for Scott to talk and get probably a job, so its good.

I'm freaking out because we don't have friends over there, it will be 4 hours of drive to visit my parents, 6 hours to visit his, around 2 hours to visit my best friend.

I'm freaking out because I only have enough hours at work to pay my half of the rent and food, nothing else and I'm going to University this coming fall. My laptop is dying, I'm giving it him 3-4 months max, its overheating to much and getting to slow no matter how much I'm cleaning it, its to old and probably melting all the parts on the motherboard by now.

I want to get a Mac, but its around 1900$ and that's basically my car assurance right there. I wonder if the school would buy it for me because I need it for my classes. I kinda can bring my big ass tower to school really. I was planning on using my laptop ( and a voice recorder) to take notes for my courses but with the Mac laptop I can just have the app Keynote ( I think that's the one) and I can both recorder the lecture AND take notes. Its awesome.

...Okay I got distract from the apple website, I was looking at the difference with the air and pro mac, because I didn't remember why I went with the mac pro. Then I notice they don't have a 15inch in the mac air so that answer my question. I want to see things, I like the 15inch screen its comfortable for me. And it doesn't have a CD drive, well that settles it!

There is a lot that scares me but in the same time I'm excited, its a new place a new beginning, a new path being fallowed, and I'm doing it with someone I love, in a place we both really, really like. We will make new friends, and there is a lot to see and do over there, so many events! A new place for a new life, doing something that I love to do. Its going to be so fun.

Its going to be quite something.


Monday, June 18, 2012

Report 124 My Childhood is now complete.

My best friend, during free comic book day found clow cards and she bought them, When she show it off online I ask if she could get me a pack too and behold! My clow cards ~ :D

I'm soo happy

Also Also I finally found a original Abby Monster High doll!! I've been searching for her for months and now  my collection is complete...or until I find another ( or they come out with) another one I like and want.

See I'm a horde. When there is an item I want, that bugs a place in my mind I need it. And I will work hard, wait until said item is cheaper and will eventually get. Like the dolls I love to just looking at them they are a source of inspiration for me. There is magazine that I get because of pictures of natural environment and it just click in my head so I take it, cut it and post it somewhere on my wall. There is games I bought that I never played but I keep it anyway because I can't keep apart from it. I do sell or throw out stuff, some hurts inside of me, but I do it because I know I don't need it anymore and that its just taking space ( I got ride of 30 books because of that.)

I have plushies I keep because its sentimental and they small and fit in a box. I HAVE A BOX FULL OF FLIPPING ROCKS! I always wanted those cards, I found them, I'm taking them, fuck the price.

I'm studying right now on how to read fortune with the cards, its fun and interesting. I don't really believe in those things, reading cards because, it just never work for me, all the women I go see with my sister just look at me, look at the card and wince, and say that I don't need it because I cant read the cards myself. My chi is to close up and powerful or something. It's family, my big sister is the same, just like my grand ma.

Anyway I want to learn how to read cards with my clow cards because it be awesome and totally epic. :D


And I got a Avenger pin. No regret. At all. :D

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Report 123 dream of a petite boy who is actually a girl

I had a dream a few night ago. I was looking at this petite girl, she was in her teen, had short light brown hair, bright eyes, and so so confused. She was very agile and quick on her feet. But what she was confuse was that she like boys like if she was a boy. Like she was a I think its a trans men. Its was bizarre because I felt like, her mind was in mine. All her confusion, on how unease she is in her body. I felt and hear everything. I could tell on how she was uneasy in her body because she didn't have the right package, but in the same time glad because she had the right ones because she liked boys and she could hide it or used it in her advantage even if it didn't felt right.

Though she dress like a boy, move and act like one. Her mother didn't approved or didn't believe I just know that from how her though she felt guilty and shame when thinking of her mother, because she is not what her mother would like her to be. She is abnormal and it make her sad.

That she wish she could be like a normal girl, but its not who she is. She had two sister older sister, like me. She liked her sisters, even if she felt awkward and uneasy around them because they know, and they act around it, like they try to understand and call her Dani and say she is their litle brother. She feel proud and happy around them because of it. Because she can act like herself, she can be who ever feel right to her.

I didn't know if she had a father, I didn't had a reading on it, no feeling, no though of it. I only saw her reflection like if I was her, but i had no control over the body or though I was just...there. Like two conscience in one body, but I was just watching. Dani was trying to style her hair up, spiky and all but her older sister, Jess just walk in the bathroom, did a double take and say hell no and ruffle her hair saying that it wasn't good on her. ( she said him but for the sake of me telling about it and that I keep referring her as a her I keep in consistent, even if I cringe a bit inside because I feel like I personally know her because I was like in her brain.)

Dani was trying a new life in the place, they just moved in because there was box unopened everywhere. And she was so scared, afraid of what others will think of her, and excited in the same time because she can start her life like she should have been for so long, as Dani the petite boy.

I saw her going shopping with her sister for new clothing that fit him. I say them buy sport bra like that she can be comfortable and hide her shape a bit. She doesn't like her chest. She is fine with most of her body, she is okay for her high pitch voice, her fragile body but men does she hate her breasts.

And I don't make any of this up, its a dream, yeah but I saw that in my dream, like if it was real I felt everything in my conscience, in my mind, when I woke up the feeling never left, image was a bit more blurry but everything she share in my-our- mind I remember everything like if sometime she is part of me. Like if she is another life of mine. She didn't know anything about me, nor did I of her.

I discover a new life just like she did and it felt right for both of us, her more then me. It wasn't my life, I feel great in my body and I know I am a girl and I like boys. Just like she knew that she like boys like a boy should. She just had the wrong package but she is okay with her body she had years to accept it, but still she modified herself with cloth, hair cut and personality, instead of hormones and surgery, she didn't like it or trust it anyway.

She though she was born in this body for a reason, and so will keep it, even if it will make her life miserable there is still people who love her as a little Brother and she is happy about it.

I'm a big supporter of LGBT and having this dream and seeing how much pressure a young Boy can have in his life, and so young its just heart breaking. They are as confuse as we are and really the only thing we can do is try to understand with them to support them. Even straight kids should have support not pressure. In this time of generation kids have so much pressure they can't even enjoy what they love doing being it sport dancing, singing, people around them can just think of their future and try to push push push to be better and it just stop being fun anymore.

You know what the first thing my mom ask me when I say I was going in creative writing?

"can you get a job out of it? Does it pay?"

I lied.

I say yeah sure I can get a job straight out of it it pay great.

In like 5 years.

I don't care how much I'm being paid, I don't care if I have to wait 5 year until I get my dream job. I'm doing what I like to do every day and that's the only thing that matters to me. I tried so hard to explain but when I say I don't care for the money, my mom take a fit because I'm in the real world now and I have a partner I need to pay bills and save up blah blah blah.

Now I'm 22 and I'm getting this speech, I had this speech since I got in high school when their first question is " What do you want to study in?" NOT " what do you like to do ? what motivate you? What would you love to do every single day for the rest of your life?"

Those question are much easier to answer. The first question I answer I don't know I want to learn bunch of stuff. I want to learn about archaeology, Psychology, brain patterns, I like art studies, painting. I like writing, I would like to study a bunch of stuff, well no I want to learn a bunch of stuff. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life? Hell no. That's just to satisfy my thirst, my curiosity. I can just learn that on my own.

On the other question though? that's more interesting, it narrow the job possibility so much. If you love to watch movies, make your own, film and take pictures, you can go study that, why not? Who is stopping you from doing what you would love to do everyday? Not your parents, not your family, not even your friends.


Your friend will hate you despite you and leave you? Who cares, fuck them You will get much better trusting new friend in a field of study you will love. Parents trying to stop you saying its not a great idea? Ignore them, they will see it through in time, when they will see how happy and how you enjoy doing what yours doing. Family? That usually never last long, if it does, your friends is a much as a family as blood relative one. Trust me.

I know though, in this year of time, there is more bill coming in then pay. Education is a bitch. I have one of my teacher say that they have more bills in student loan then their mortgage on their house. But they all say it was worth it. I see it in this way: I don't care how long I will owe the government for using student loan to go to University or college, because I will pay back with money I earn in a job I love to do.

I want to two year of college in a mind set of "get a good payable job, suck it if you hate it" but then I got sick, mentally sick from just doing the assignment a job from the course, I couldn't get up, I couldn't eat, I barely sleep. When I did sleep or eat I usually had to leave in the middle of lunch because I was so drain and tired I couldn't concentrate, my anxiety attacks where so big that left me in days in bed.

a month like this can change your mind set pretty fast, and just fuck the world and do what you want. I bough self help book to control and understand how my  anxiety attacks works like that I could mellow them down, I took better care of my health, made sure of what I was eating. I took my time to think, ponder and research on what I would love to do with my life , because I still had my philosophy that I was born and stayed alive for a reason in this life, and I know some how I had to do something meaningful that would change something in this world.

And during all that time, I wrote a book. I wrote to calm my nerves to stop my brain to chatter like that I could concentrate on my search. I think its only when I worked on NaNOWriMo 2011 that, when I graduated and liberty pay (full course, one go) for the revision course that hell I want to be a writer, HELL I am a Writer!

When I apply to the university I apply because I was curious of how the human brain work, so I apply to be in psychology but then in a few month after I though to myself ( while ignoring every ones input) what did I wanted to used the knowledge for? and the the first thing that pop up in my brain was " It be great for characters studies, like that you can write a better believable characters with fear and hopes "

 It took a lot to fight the urge to just suck it and go in a study and get a payable job after. Again. Because it been drill in my head for so long that its the natural course my brain would take. It took a lot of work, but then I did the first step. I grab my student loan and child benefit papers. Went on the study section and square out the psychology and wrote English.

Suck it world I'm a fucking writer.

Then the next step was admitting it to everyone. When costumer ask in what I be studying I say in English, creative writing all looked surprised and wished me luck.

When my coworker ask I told them. Then in one morning at a breakfast table that me and my parent where at, that we share with close family friends, they ask me in were I was going to study I said in English, creative writing, with a giant smile on my face and I didn't even had to fake it.

They look surprise, wish me luck My mother yelled whut and I avoid stupid question with vague answers.

long story short. Be a bit selfish once in a while. Do what you think feel right, what make you feel good, makes you happy. What ever its a profession, who you love and who you are.

Do what you want.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Report 122

I am oh slowly packing things. I had to take like the BIGGEST box there is for all my creative writing stuff. I felt smug after :D There is nothing that much interesting that happen this week. Well I  received the Bittersweet book that I won from a giveaway ( www.bibliosaurustext.com ) and start reading it, ho so slowly too.

I got more hours at work now, since its the end f the school year a lot of order is piling up. Today we've been working on some post card order, it was at least 700 postcard in total and I kid you not we had to redo like 300 of them (twice!) because of mistakes or not positioned right. My feet and back are sore from being on my feet in one place as I hunch over the counter to cut those things ( and we're not done!)

But men, today was fun, I laugh a lot because of the pranks the guys did to each other. It felt great. I love working there because of those people they love their job and tease each other and make the day a bit brighter. I hope that it would be the same when I be working at the Charlottetown Staples. I can't wait. I made a list of things I have to do this month, before we leave and I just squeel every time I look at it and it's shorter.

I just really cant wait. My parents are coming down on Saturday to give us some plastic box to pack and Sunday there picking up stuff ( green chair) that we dont need or care for.

Yesterday I want down to the bank and I dont know but on the whole drive I felt...weird, different. I left right after watching an episode of Lie to Me ( great tv show, its like bones but instead of reading human remains, they are reading face muscle for emotion or movement that depict if they are lieing or not. and its unbelievable I'm learning a lot from watching the show and notice that I'm like staring at people trying to find those small emotion gesture.) and that episode I guess effect me in some way because I felt drain, scared. So I did the only thing I do when I get high emotion. I want to the library that was closebuy and got some books. I got a procrastination book, one that show how to be sexy with clothing. a idiot huide to discover your perfect career and the perfect english writing book that just explain all the question I wanted to ask. So I be looking into that one after I'm done with the idiot guide XD

I like reading self-help book, it boost my moral, and I learn something different or a different way to see how the mind works for humans. I actually was searching a book on how to read human body language ( I remember one, a small english book to teach french highschoolers english, I read it and still remember some things) because I'm interest to learn more of what the TV show is teaching me. BUt couldn't find any. I try to find a book of Dalai lama, buut there was only one in the whole library and didn't want to search for it, so I didn't :D

I did felt better when I got back home. I start reading right away and work on the question from the idiot guide. A lot of it is already familiar but I know the farther I go in the chapters the more specific it will get and I be better at judging what I want to do for the rest of my life.

If I could like, open fan mails for a magazin for the rest of my life I be happy. I love that. Or work at a copy center but not really taking care of client, just receive everything online I be fine. Ohh If I can andswer those fanmail letters it be fuun!

anyway My mind just like drift into million of futur though, so I will leave it like that. Food is getting ready and I'm hungry so Take care !!

Steph~ :D