Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Report 123 dream of a petite boy who is actually a girl

I had a dream a few night ago. I was looking at this petite girl, she was in her teen, had short light brown hair, bright eyes, and so so confused. She was very agile and quick on her feet. But what she was confuse was that she like boys like if she was a boy. Like she was a I think its a trans men. Its was bizarre because I felt like, her mind was in mine. All her confusion, on how unease she is in her body. I felt and hear everything. I could tell on how she was uneasy in her body because she didn't have the right package, but in the same time glad because she had the right ones because she liked boys and she could hide it or used it in her advantage even if it didn't felt right.

Though she dress like a boy, move and act like one. Her mother didn't approved or didn't believe I just know that from how her though she felt guilty and shame when thinking of her mother, because she is not what her mother would like her to be. She is abnormal and it make her sad.

That she wish she could be like a normal girl, but its not who she is. She had two sister older sister, like me. She liked her sisters, even if she felt awkward and uneasy around them because they know, and they act around it, like they try to understand and call her Dani and say she is their litle brother. She feel proud and happy around them because of it. Because she can act like herself, she can be who ever feel right to her.

I didn't know if she had a father, I didn't had a reading on it, no feeling, no though of it. I only saw her reflection like if I was her, but i had no control over the body or though I was just...there. Like two conscience in one body, but I was just watching. Dani was trying to style her hair up, spiky and all but her older sister, Jess just walk in the bathroom, did a double take and say hell no and ruffle her hair saying that it wasn't good on her. ( she said him but for the sake of me telling about it and that I keep referring her as a her I keep in consistent, even if I cringe a bit inside because I feel like I personally know her because I was like in her brain.)

Dani was trying a new life in the place, they just moved in because there was box unopened everywhere. And she was so scared, afraid of what others will think of her, and excited in the same time because she can start her life like she should have been for so long, as Dani the petite boy.

I saw her going shopping with her sister for new clothing that fit him. I say them buy sport bra like that she can be comfortable and hide her shape a bit. She doesn't like her chest. She is fine with most of her body, she is okay for her high pitch voice, her fragile body but men does she hate her breasts.

And I don't make any of this up, its a dream, yeah but I saw that in my dream, like if it was real I felt everything in my conscience, in my mind, when I woke up the feeling never left, image was a bit more blurry but everything she share in my-our- mind I remember everything like if sometime she is part of me. Like if she is another life of mine. She didn't know anything about me, nor did I of her.

I discover a new life just like she did and it felt right for both of us, her more then me. It wasn't my life, I feel great in my body and I know I am a girl and I like boys. Just like she knew that she like boys like a boy should. She just had the wrong package but she is okay with her body she had years to accept it, but still she modified herself with cloth, hair cut and personality, instead of hormones and surgery, she didn't like it or trust it anyway.

She though she was born in this body for a reason, and so will keep it, even if it will make her life miserable there is still people who love her as a little Brother and she is happy about it.

I'm a big supporter of LGBT and having this dream and seeing how much pressure a young Boy can have in his life, and so young its just heart breaking. They are as confuse as we are and really the only thing we can do is try to understand with them to support them. Even straight kids should have support not pressure. In this time of generation kids have so much pressure they can't even enjoy what they love doing being it sport dancing, singing, people around them can just think of their future and try to push push push to be better and it just stop being fun anymore.

You know what the first thing my mom ask me when I say I was going in creative writing?

"can you get a job out of it? Does it pay?"

I lied.

I say yeah sure I can get a job straight out of it it pay great.

In like 5 years.

I don't care how much I'm being paid, I don't care if I have to wait 5 year until I get my dream job. I'm doing what I like to do every day and that's the only thing that matters to me. I tried so hard to explain but when I say I don't care for the money, my mom take a fit because I'm in the real world now and I have a partner I need to pay bills and save up blah blah blah.

Now I'm 22 and I'm getting this speech, I had this speech since I got in high school when their first question is " What do you want to study in?" NOT " what do you like to do ? what motivate you? What would you love to do every single day for the rest of your life?"

Those question are much easier to answer. The first question I answer I don't know I want to learn bunch of stuff. I want to learn about archaeology, Psychology, brain patterns, I like art studies, painting. I like writing, I would like to study a bunch of stuff, well no I want to learn a bunch of stuff. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life? Hell no. That's just to satisfy my thirst, my curiosity. I can just learn that on my own.

On the other question though? that's more interesting, it narrow the job possibility so much. If you love to watch movies, make your own, film and take pictures, you can go study that, why not? Who is stopping you from doing what you would love to do everyday? Not your parents, not your family, not even your friends.


Your friend will hate you despite you and leave you? Who cares, fuck them You will get much better trusting new friend in a field of study you will love. Parents trying to stop you saying its not a great idea? Ignore them, they will see it through in time, when they will see how happy and how you enjoy doing what yours doing. Family? That usually never last long, if it does, your friends is a much as a family as blood relative one. Trust me.

I know though, in this year of time, there is more bill coming in then pay. Education is a bitch. I have one of my teacher say that they have more bills in student loan then their mortgage on their house. But they all say it was worth it. I see it in this way: I don't care how long I will owe the government for using student loan to go to University or college, because I will pay back with money I earn in a job I love to do.

I want to two year of college in a mind set of "get a good payable job, suck it if you hate it" but then I got sick, mentally sick from just doing the assignment a job from the course, I couldn't get up, I couldn't eat, I barely sleep. When I did sleep or eat I usually had to leave in the middle of lunch because I was so drain and tired I couldn't concentrate, my anxiety attacks where so big that left me in days in bed.

a month like this can change your mind set pretty fast, and just fuck the world and do what you want. I bough self help book to control and understand how my  anxiety attacks works like that I could mellow them down, I took better care of my health, made sure of what I was eating. I took my time to think, ponder and research on what I would love to do with my life , because I still had my philosophy that I was born and stayed alive for a reason in this life, and I know some how I had to do something meaningful that would change something in this world.

And during all that time, I wrote a book. I wrote to calm my nerves to stop my brain to chatter like that I could concentrate on my search. I think its only when I worked on NaNOWriMo 2011 that, when I graduated and liberty pay (full course, one go) for the revision course that hell I want to be a writer, HELL I am a Writer!

When I apply to the university I apply because I was curious of how the human brain work, so I apply to be in psychology but then in a few month after I though to myself ( while ignoring every ones input) what did I wanted to used the knowledge for? and the the first thing that pop up in my brain was " It be great for characters studies, like that you can write a better believable characters with fear and hopes "

 It took a lot to fight the urge to just suck it and go in a study and get a payable job after. Again. Because it been drill in my head for so long that its the natural course my brain would take. It took a lot of work, but then I did the first step. I grab my student loan and child benefit papers. Went on the study section and square out the psychology and wrote English.

Suck it world I'm a fucking writer.

Then the next step was admitting it to everyone. When costumer ask in what I be studying I say in English, creative writing all looked surprised and wished me luck.

When my coworker ask I told them. Then in one morning at a breakfast table that me and my parent where at, that we share with close family friends, they ask me in were I was going to study I said in English, creative writing, with a giant smile on my face and I didn't even had to fake it.

They look surprise, wish me luck My mother yelled whut and I avoid stupid question with vague answers.

long story short. Be a bit selfish once in a while. Do what you think feel right, what make you feel good, makes you happy. What ever its a profession, who you love and who you are.

Do what you want.


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