Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Report 130: Vision Board, or BIG FUN SCARY LIST!

Report 130: Vision Board, or BIG FUN SCARY LIST!

The difference between a Vision Board and A Big, Fun, Scary list. 

IN 2010 I made this Big Fun Scary List of stuff I want to buy/own in 3-5 years to come. I had it post it on my blog, but I wrote everything down in that year notebook. A few months ago, I delete that list from my blog and it dawn on me of why I deleted. I finish it. Well the list grew and changed within the year but it still had the same items from when I started. This is what I started with:

  • 2 22” screen for computer
  • Macbook pro
  • iPad
  • android phone
  • L shape, red wine color desk
  • Matching living room set
  • Normal decoration on the walls like pictures and stuff
  • New speakers for desktop computer
  • Flat screen TV
  • New bed set
  • Wii fit
  • Camcorder. 

I got a new screen for my computer but only one, since I’m not a programmer now I give the second one to Scott who needs it more than me. I bought a android tablet for Scott birthday, we both use it. I got my awesome android slide keypad phone this summer. I got a L shape desk for my birthday last year from Scott. I got a new bed set from mom in Christmas 2011. I have now a matching living room set (lazy boy set from Scott’s parents)

I have a bunch of decorations that I bough, received, and got as gift. I have yet to place them up.
Scott has a flat screen TV so that one was scratch after we moved in together in 2011. I got WiiFit in 2010 Christmas, and got a camcorder Christmas 2011.
I’m saving for my macbook for this year. There is a bunch of special for students so I am planning to buy it for my education.

The only thing that wasn’t scratch of is the speakers for the desktop. But I don’t think I will ever scratch it off, because I am satisfied with the crappy one I have. It was a gift from my best friend when she got her new ones. And It does its job like I want so I don’t really mind. I like really. And I will be more on my macbook when I get it then my desktop after, so it doesn’t really matter.
When I get my macbook, I’m transforming my old laptop to be hook up on the flat screen TV like that we can watch TV shows online. Basically the only thing that be on the red laptop be a antivirus and internet. Nothing else needed.

I placed a lot of place to visit and vacation with Scott on the list. But I’m not much of a traveler, so it will be in much longer future, especially since I will be back to University. I didn’t plan those 2 years ago. But there is one, that always migrate in all the vision board I made of the stuff I want and it was a picture of Prince Edward Island red beach and I mark in a silver marker, “Live in PEI” I mark that in 2010, October 2010.  I never though about it, like it would be a possibility I just really really liked PEI. And yet, here I am! 2 years after! The same picture still in my vision board now attach on the wall in my apartment, in Charlottetown PEI.

Now my vision board is more of things that tells me I am beautiful, that make me happy thinking of the future. My macbook, that I can do it, that I will have the creative writing course in UPEI. Future wedding.

I have a vision board since high school, because in art class we watch “The secret” and it was part of our assignment. But I never truly understood what the vision board actually meant to do.  In 2010 I bought a new board because the original one was filled up with things that inspired me, remembered post it, letters, flowers, necklace and all kind of crap. The original vision board took a hike after I had my grade on it because in high school I didn’t know what I wanted. I just took some picture and plaster it on the board on what I thought I should do; like you know wedding, the men of my dream and lots of money. It wasn’t what I truly wanted.

So I bought a new one in October when I fill up with my BIG FUN SCARY List of stuff I want. When I was done and looking at it, I got curious and start reading the Secret again because, in that moment after looking at my master piece of crap I want. I dawn on me that, this was it. Thats how a vision board must look like. It was full pack of stuff I want in the future, it didn’t need to be big at all like the men of dream or awesome job and lots of money; it just had to be small things I wanted. Like a new bed sets, and speakers.
I read “the secret” again, and watch the movie. I had the urge to modify my vision board after to add like, my dream house and stuff but I didn’t because THAT board, was the BIG FUN SCARY LIST board, not a vision board. SO I didn’t touch it. The only time I did was to take out things and place new items.

In the end, the vision board works in different ways for everyone.  For some, it’s a collage on a huge poster with their own pictures they took, and craft. Others, is photoshoping pictures found in Google or took themselves and place them as their background on their computer. For me it’s my BIG FUN SCARY LIST of stuff and crap I want.
The vision board and the BFSL are seen different in my eyes, because of the way it was described and showed to me.

The way I see vision boards is people that already had a taste of real life on their hands, so they want a better job, a better house, vacations and just better things. I didn’t have a taste of real life yet when I started the vision board. I have now, like a year of experience as a graduate, I can see the appeal of wanting all those better things.

But I don’t want to. I love where I live. I love my job. I love my boyfriend. I love the free time I have to just lazing around the house and watch movies after movies, or staying up late engross in a awesome book, and showing my boyfriend away because Its INTENCE and I NEED to finish it.
I don’t want a better house, I don’t want better car. I have what I need. Yeah sure it be great to have a better pay, but I don’t mind, if it happens to me I will accept it with open arms, but if it doesn’t I just shrug it off and continue living.  I’m okay on how I am living now, yeah its tight at some times, but we get through it, one step at a time. I love where I work, I don’t know why I would change right now, maybe in a few years, but even there I don’t know what I want for a job now so why would I be asking for something new when I don’t know what I want.

That’s why I like the BFSL. It’s all things I KNOW I want. That I KNOW I can have with a bit of work and patience.

BFSL is exactly what it says. They are BIG fill of FUN things, and Scary because you add things you would never admit to anyone.

I want a fucking Cinderella wedding! IN a church! Because I want people to stand up and turn to look at me and cry because I’ll be FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! Maybe not in a church, outside, but with the cheesy movie lines and everything, I want a white dress with design and a trail in the back with white rose’s bouquet. I want voile and a tiara and everything! Add the white gloves that goes above my elbow and I be ecstasy! (Intense happiness)

I want a party and dance, with classic rock music. And like cutting the cake and eat the first piece with my boyfriend super cheesy like. I want THAT.

And the worst is that I CAN! Thanks to Florida Disney world Wedding package. :D

I never admit it to anyone ( except for now :D), it was always boild up inside of me, and it was scary as FUCK to search pictures and admit it to myself when I print what I want and post it on my vision board. And I’m not even engage yet. But My boyfriend was like, next to me on the sofa when I was searching for the info/detail on the Disney world package on my laptop. So I think he has an Idea, so it doesn’t really faze him anymore.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Report 129: Anxiety attack Help

Report 129: Anxiety attack Help

I've been listening for all my life. I've been helping friends, random people, with their fear and anxiety attacks long before I had mine. And I am willing to listen. To share a few words with you, if you want.

For free.

Just send a email and I will listen to you.


One more month and I'm starting University again. I;m going to study in English, in Creative writing.

Yeah, I'm panicking.

And its blocking my creativity a lot. People can say its an excused, hell even I say it. But when you wake up in the morning, and the only thing you can eat is half a pop tart for the whole day because of a anxiety attack, it kinda kill the mood ya no?

My attacks, effect my mind. Its a huge mental battle inside, where everything I fear, everything I doubt and scared of happening creeps in my mind and never give me a second to breath. I have ALL the tactic down in my head. I;m writing my thoughts, trying to meditate; clearing my mind. Trying to over power my thoughts with positive thinking but sometimes, its to powerful and gets to me.

People who have anxiety attacks will understand. Others, wont.

My sister ( the oldest) understands when I try to explain to my mom my fears, my attacks, but my mom doesn't understand, because her attacks are more physical then mentally. She faints, shake and cant breath.

I fight in my head to say that I am worthy. That I can. Some times its so strong that its like a consent pressure in the middle of my chest that gives me heart burns and I cant swallow a thing. Its like a heart attack, but wurst. How can a anxiety attack can be wurst then a heart attack? Heart attacks heals. Anxiety attacks will creep on you every seconds of the rest of your life. You are stuck trying to keep your mind in check to prove that you can do what you love that you matter.

And that's the hardest to believe.


I'm still reminding myself every morning.

When I had my first real and huge anxiety attacks, the nurse told me the best cure is to talk to someone.

It can be true.

But how do you start? How do you explain your fear, your pain? How do you explain what you want to do in your life, your mother doesn't approve?

I love my mother deeply. Even if she is the reason of my fear to write.

When I did a test, to find my fear and try to over come them and be able to write again, I just froze in dismay. I cant just cut loose my connection with my mom, I barely have one already! My mom doesn't care what I study or what I want to do in life, just that I get a good paying, dead end job with benefits, retirement money and crap like that. She tells me that, she remind me of that because she is scared. She wants the best for my life and me having a good paying job and benefit will ease her fear.

I live for a year as a part timer at Staples. I'm still living with that pay. My bank is more empty then it is full. But I pay my rent, my bills. I have food on the table and I do what I want and love. 

Every ones attack are different. Like every ones anchor will be different. I read a lot of self help books to help me find my anchor, to get a handle on those attacks. I merge some of their tips to something that convince me.

I write, I read and meditate. Meditating keeps my breathing regular and my heart beat normal. I write to find what trigger the attack in the first place and explain, to my mind, why its ridiculous to get an attack from that. And I read, to get my mind off of it, because after I try to resonate with my mind, it will always have a BUT, I just say NO firmly and continue with my day as if it didn't happen.

Writing down in the same notebook all my attacks can give me an idea what trigger happen the most, and how I can control it better after I'm back.

When I read all those help books, they talk as if its super easy to take care of anxiety attacks like that. It isn't. Only one self help book understood how difficult a anxiety attack is (keep calm and carry on.) but even there, most of the tips it give me was to much like a question, answer pattern.

I know how hard it is, how frustrating and scary it is. And I want to help.

I know how talking to someone is hard, but it helps. I write, but I write to my characters of my stories. I vent to them, I talk to them, and they answer me back. They help me go through my attacks.

But its good to just have someone to listen. To say how much they care. But mostly to vent down, to yell, be angry, cry or share your fear. Sharing what you are scared to most off can lift so much off your chest.

And I can listen.

I've been listening for all my life. I've been helping friends, random people, with their fear and anxiety attacks long before I had mine. And I am willing to listen. To share a few words with you.

For free.

Everything will be between you, and me. NO posting on the blog. NO posting on journals.NOT even be paying. Just me and your anonymously. 

If you want advice, I will give the best of what I can. IF you just need a ear to listen I will be there. IF its a shoulder to cry on.  Go for it.

You will feel better after word. Its guarantee.

I'm not a psychologist, I'm a novelist.

I am here for you. I will listen to you.

Just write everything your heart desired, and I will listen to you with open arms.