Report 135: New Years! And 2012-2013 goals reflection!

There is this theory, in NaNoLand, that the more busy you are the more achievement you make. In 2012 I had a few writing goals, and I can say I achieve a lot of them. THough I am ashamed of myself since I only work on the one that is consider easy. I work hard on my revision, that is true. But I could do a lot more. I could work a lot more on it. Ever since I started University I have been very busy, and the writing kind off took a stop.

This year, I am still not sure or have a good...idea structure I guess. I have three class this semester and they are taking most of my time. But I want to edit and post some of my stories I wrote for NaNoWriMo 2012, and to go back on my novel revision. I will have to reread basically everything to go back to the stage I left, but it be fine. I actually had a dream that make a better ending then the one I originally had. And I probably will try to make a few more scenes. Since I know that my Ghost story is about Daniel discovering he is Half ghost in the private institute for Ghost Trackers. However, I don't really know how to proceed with the school part of it. Or even how to make the evil bad guy a bad guy. ( except you know the part where Gregory( bad guy) is actually sucking the souls of everyone.)

It still could do a lot more work for me to be able to write it properly since I kind off just jump in it with out a good grasp of the back story. And the back story is actually important. Some what. To make sense of everything else anyway. There is also the problem of, because I am taking so much long brakes between revision I have a more longer time to brainstorm and change my mind. Which both sucks, and amaze me. Since I came up with much better idea everything, but sucks since it basically change the whole story all over again. I'm sticking with the original story I wrote in pen fro the first time. Since it is the story I originate and liked, and using my other brilliant idea for sequel of some sort. Because hell if Ghost exist in these world, there is bound to be more magical creature in existence am I right? Right.

In other note, my boyfriend is going to apply for the work force ( as a cook) and we are thinking of moving again, meaning that my studies will be either on hold or transferred again. Its just...complicated. I wanted, when I apply to UPEI, to get a degree in English like that I be a better writer. I took some Psychology classes and I just had the misfortune to tell my family that I really enjoy Psychology and now, well, everyone is on my back about time, and deciding what I really really want to do with my life and about money,loan and a bunch of crap. MY main goal when I apply was to get better in English. Yes I enjoy Psychology immensely, but it is not for me. One, I can't even read about the nano transmitter and drugs effect with out having a small panic attack, less studying it for the rest of my life. I don't think they understand the concept of emetophobia.

But anyway, my point is, if we do move back in New Brunswick, I don't know if I should continue my study in English language, or go to the workforce and work on my novel. Since I did get better in english amazingly, but I still have a lot of work to do. A Lot.

OMG did you know that my Microsoft word document always automatically change my 'a lot' to 'alot'! It drives me crazy!

Anyway, (/cough cough) I still have time to brainstorm. I will talk about it with scott and see his opinion.

Except for that, my holiday was good! We surprised my mother from coming home earlier then planned ( much earlier) it was fun, made her day. I had a lot of great gift! Teen wolf season 1 in the shelf and a giant owl pillow :D I also received a lot of books and a gift certificate for Chapters ( that I used the next day for Cecelia Ahern recent books I was missing YES). I hope everyone had a great Holiday and New Year! I will be changing my goals page soon and also talk about my classes! My English Linguistic teach is AMAZING! People probably think she is on the side of crazy but I love her, oh my god.

Take care!

Steph :D

Report 130: Vision Board, or BIG FUN SCARY LIST!

Report 130: Vision Board, or BIG FUN SCARY LIST!

The difference between a Vision Board and A Big, Fun, Scary list. 

IN 2010 I made this Big Fun Scary List of stuff I want to buy/own in 3-5 years to come. I had it post it on my blog, but I wrote everything down in that year notebook. A few months ago, I delete that list from my blog and it dawn on me of why I deleted. I finish it. Well the list grew and changed within the year but it still had the same items from when I started. This is what I started with:

• 2 22” screen for computer
• Macbook pro
• iPad
• android phone
• L shape, red wine color desk
• Matching living room set
• Normal decoration on the walls like pictures and stuff
• New speakers for desktop computer
• Flat screen TV
• New bed set
• Wii fit
• Camcorder. 

I got a new screen for my computer but only one, since I’m not a programmer now I give the second one to Scott who needs it more than me. I bought a android tablet for Scott birthday, we both use it. I got my awesome android slide keypad phone this summer. I got a L shape desk for my birthday last year from Scott. I got a new bed set from mom in Christmas 2011. I have now a matching living room set (lazy boy set from Scott’s parents)

I have a bunch of decorations that I bough, received, and got as gift. I have yet to place them up.

Scott has a flat screen TV so that one was scratch after we moved in together in 2011. I got WiiFit in 2010 Christmas, and got a camcorder Christmas 2011.

I’m saving for my macbook for this year. There is a bunch of special for students so I am planning to buy it for my education.

The only thing that wasn’t scratch of is the speakers for the desktop. But I don’t think I will ever scratch it off, because I am satisfied with the crappy one I have. It was a gift from my best friend when she got her new ones. And It does its job like I want so I don’t really mind. I like really. And I will be more on my macbook when I get it then my desktop after, so it doesn’t really matter.

When I get my macbook, I’m transforming my old laptop to be hook up on the flat screen TV like that we can watch TV shows online. Basically the only thing that be on the red laptop be a antivirus and internet. Nothing else needed.

I placed a lot of place to visit and vacation with Scott on the list. But I’m not much of a traveler, so it will be in much longer future, especially since I will be back to University. I didn’t plan those 2 years ago. But there is one, that always migrate in all the vision board I made of the stuff I want and it was a picture of Prince Edward Island red beach and I mark in a silver marker, “Live in PEI” I mark that in 2010, October 2010.  I never though about it, like it would be a possibility I just really really liked PEI. And yet, here I am! 2 years after! The same picture still in my vision board now attach on the wall in my apartment, in Charlottetown PEI.

Now my vision board is more of things that tells me I am beautiful, that make me happy thinking of the future. My macbook, that I can do it, that I will have the creative writing course in UPEI. Future wedding.

I have a vision board since high school, because in art class we watch “The secret” and it was part of our assignment. But I never truly understood what the vision board actually meant to do.  In 2010 I bought a new board because the original one was filled up with things that inspired me, remembered post it, letters, flowers, necklace and all kind of crap. The original vision board took a hike after I had my grade on it because in high school I didn’t know what I wanted. I just took some picture and plaster it on the board on what I thought I should do; like you know wedding, the men of my dream and lots of money. It wasn’t what I truly wanted.

So I bought a new one in October when I fill up with my BIG FUN SCARY List of stuff I want. When I was done and looking at it, I got curious and start reading the Secret again because, in that moment after looking at my master piece of crap I want. I dawn on me that, this was it. Thats how a vision board must look like. It was full pack of stuff I want in the future, it didn’t need to be big at all like the men of dream or awesome job and lots of money; it just had to be small things I wanted. Like a new bed sets, and speakers.

I read “the secret” again, and watch the movie. I had the urge to modify my vision board after to add like, my dream house and stuff but I didn’t because THAT board, was the BIG FUN SCARY LIST board, not a vision board. SO I didn’t touch it. The only time I did was to take out things and place new items.

In the end, the vision board works in different ways for everyone.  For some, it’s a collage on a huge poster with their own pictures they took, and craft. Others, is photoshoping pictures found in Google or took themselves and place them as their background on their computer. For me it’s my BIG FUN SCARY LIST of stuff and crap I want.

The vision board and the BFSL are seen different in my eyes, because of the way it was described and showed to me.

The way I see vision boards is people that already had a taste of real life on their hands, so they want a better job, a better house, vacations and just better things. I didn’t have a taste of real life yet when I started the vision board. I have now, like a year of experience as a graduate, I can see the appeal of wanting all those better things.

But I don’t want to. I love where I live. I love my job. I love my boyfriend. I love the free time I have to just lazing around the house and watch movies after movies, or staying up late engross in a awesome book, and showing my boyfriend away because Its INTENCE and I NEED to finish it.

I don’t want a better house, I don’t want better car. I have what I need. Yeah sure it be great to have a better pay, but I don’t mind, if it happens to me I will accept it with open arms, but if it doesn’t I just shrug it off and continue living.  I’m okay on how I am living now, yeah its tight at some times, but we get through it, one step at a time. I love where I work, I don’t know why I would change right now, maybe in a few years, but even there I don’t know what I want for a job now so why would I be asking for something new when I don’t know what I want.

That’s why I like the BFSL. It’s all things I KNOW I want. That I KNOW I can have with a bit of work and patience.

BFSL is exactly what it says. They are BIG fill of FUN things, and Scary because you add things you would never admit to anyone.

I want a fucking Cinderella wedding! IN a church! Because I want people to stand up and turn to look at me and cry because I’ll be FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! Maybe not in a church, outside, but with the cheesy movie lines and everything, I want a white dress with design and a trail in the back with white rose’s bouquet. I want voile and a tiara and everything! Add the white gloves that goes above my elbow and I be ecstasy! (Intense happiness)

I want a party and dance, with classic rock music. And like cutting the cake and eat the first piece with my boyfriend super cheesy like. I want THAT.

And the worst is that I CAN! Thanks to Florida Disney world Wedding package. :D

I never admit it to anyone ( except for now :D), it was always boild up inside of me, and it was scary as FUCK to search pictures and admit it to myself when I print what I want and post it on my vision board. And I’m not even engage yet. But My boyfriend was like, next to me on the sofa when I was searching for the info/detail on the Disney world package on my laptop. So I think he has an Idea, so it doesn’t really faze him anymore.

Report 123 dream of a petite boy who is actually a girl

I had a dream a few night ago. I was looking at this petite girl, she was in her teen, had short light brown hair, bright eyes, and so so confused. She was very agile and quick on her feet. But what she was confuse was that she like boys like if she was a boy. Like she was a I think its a trans men. Its was bizarre because I felt like, her mind was in mine. All her confusion, on how unease she is in her body. I felt and hear everything. I could tell on how she was uneasy in her body because she didn't have the right package, but in the same time glad because she had the right ones because she liked boys and she could hide it or used it in her advantage even if it didn't felt right.

Though she dress like a boy, move and act like one. Her mother didn't approved or didn't believe I just know that from how her though she felt guilty and shame when thinking of her mother, because she is not what her mother would like her to be. She is abnormal and it make her sad.

That she wish she could be like a normal girl, but its not who she is. She had two sister older sister, like me. She liked her sisters, even if she felt awkward and uneasy around them because they know, and they act around it, like they try to understand and call her Dani and say she is their litle brother. She feel proud and happy around them because of it. Because she can act like herself, she can be who ever feel right to her.

I didn't know if she had a father, I didn't had a reading on it, no feeling, no though of it. I only saw her reflection like if I was her, but i had no control over the body or though I was just...there. Like two conscience in one body, but I was just watching. Dani was trying to style her hair up, spiky and all but her older sister, Jess just walk in the bathroom, did a double take and say hell no and ruffle her hair saying that it wasn't good on her. ( she said him but for the sake of me telling about it and that I keep referring her as a her I keep in consistent, even if I cringe a bit inside because I feel like I personally know her because I was like in her brain.)

Dani was trying a new life in the place, they just moved in because there was box unopened everywhere. And she was so scared, afraid of what others will think of her, and excited in the same time because she can start her life like she should have been for so long, as Dani the petite boy.

I saw her going shopping with her sister for new clothing that fit him. I say them buy sport bra like that she can be comfortable and hide her shape a bit. She doesn't like her chest. She is fine with most of her body, she is okay for her high pitch voice, her fragile body but men does she hate her breasts.

And I don't make any of this up, its a dream, yeah but I saw that in my dream, like if it was real I felt everything in my conscience, in my mind, when I woke up the feeling never left, image was a bit more blurry but everything she share in my-our- mind I remember everything like if sometime she is part of me. Like if she is another life of mine. She didn't know anything about me, nor did I of her.

I discover a new life just like she did and it felt right for both of us, her more then me. It wasn't my life, I feel great in my body and I know I am a girl and I like boys. Just like she knew that she like boys like a boy should. She just had the wrong package but she is okay with her body she had years to accept it, but still she modified herself with cloth, hair cut and personality, instead of hormones and surgery, she didn't like it or trust it anyway.

She though she was born in this body for a reason, and so will keep it, even if it will make her life miserable there is still people who love her as a little Brother and she is happy about it.

I'm a big supporter of LGBT and having this dream and seeing how much pressure a young Boy can have in his life, and so young its just heart breaking. They are as confuse as we are and really the only thing we can do is try to understand with them to support them. Even straight kids should have support not pressure. In this time of generation kids have so much pressure they can't even enjoy what they love doing being it sport dancing, singing, people around them can just think of their future and try to push push push to be better and it just stop being fun anymore.

You know what the first thing my mom ask me when I say I was going in creative writing?

"can you get a job out of it? Does it pay?"

I lied.

I say yeah sure I can get a job straight out of it it pay great.

In like 5 years.

I don't care how much I'm being paid, I don't care if I have to wait 5 year until I get my dream job. I'm doing what I like to do every day and that's the only thing that matters to me. I tried so hard to explain but when I say I don't care for the money, my mom take a fit because I'm in the real world now and I have a partner I need to pay bills and save up blah blah blah.

Now I'm 22 and I'm getting this speech, I had this speech since I got in high school when their first question is " What do you want to study in?" NOT " what do you like to do ? what motivate you? What would you love to do every single day for the rest of your life?"

Those question are much easier to answer. The first question I answer I don't know I want to learn bunch of stuff. I want to learn about archaeology, Psychology, brain patterns, I like art studies, painting. I like writing, I would like to study a bunch of stuff, well no I want to learn a bunch of stuff. Do I want to do it for the rest of my life? Hell no. That's just to satisfy my thirst, my curiosity. I can just learn that on my own.

On the other question though? that's more interesting, it narrow the job possibility so much. If you love to watch movies, make your own, film and take pictures, you can go study that, why not? Who is stopping you from doing what you would love to do everyday? Not your parents, not your family, not even your friends.

You.

Your friend will hate you despite you and leave you? Who cares, fuck them You will get much better trusting new friend in a field of study you will love. Parents trying to stop you saying its not a great idea? Ignore them, they will see it through in time, when they will see how happy and how you enjoy doing what yours doing. Family? That usually never last long, if it does, your friends is a much as a family as blood relative one. Trust me.

I know though, in this year of time, there is more bill coming in then pay. Education is a bitch. I have one of my teacher say that they have more bills in student loan then their mortgage on their house. But they all say it was worth it. I see it in this way: I don't care how long I will owe the government for using student loan to go to University or college, because I will pay back with money I earn in a job I love to do.

I want to two year of college in a mind set of "get a good payable job, suck it if you hate it" but then I got sick, mentally sick from just doing the assignment a job from the course, I couldn't get up, I couldn't eat, I barely sleep. When I did sleep or eat I usually had to leave in the middle of lunch because I was so drain and tired I couldn't concentrate, my anxiety attacks where so big that left me in days in bed.

a month like this can change your mind set pretty fast, and just fuck the world and do what you want. I bough self help book to control and understand how my  anxiety attacks works like that I could mellow them down, I took better care of my health, made sure of what I was eating. I took my time to think, ponder and research on what I would love to do with my life , because I still had my philosophy that I was born and stayed alive for a reason in this life, and I know some how I had to do something meaningful that would change something in this world.

And during all that time, I wrote a book. I wrote to calm my nerves to stop my brain to chatter like that I could concentrate on my search. I think its only when I worked on NaNOWriMo 2011 that, when I graduated and liberty pay (full course, one go) for the revision course that hell I want to be a writer, HELL I am a Writer!

When I apply to the university I apply because I was curious of how the human brain work, so I apply to be in psychology but then in a few month after I though to myself ( while ignoring every ones input) what did I wanted to used the knowledge for? and the the first thing that pop up in my brain was " It be great for characters studies, like that you can write a better believable characters with fear and hopes "

 It took a lot to fight the urge to just suck it and go in a study and get a payable job after. Again. Because it been drill in my head for so long that its the natural course my brain would take. It took a lot of work, but then I did the first step. I grab my student loan and child benefit papers. Went on the study section and square out the psychology and wrote English.

Suck it world I'm a fucking writer.

Then the next step was admitting it to everyone. When costumer ask in what I be studying I say in English, creative writing all looked surprised and wished me luck.

When my coworker ask I told them. Then in one morning at a breakfast table that me and my parent where at, that we share with close family friends, they ask me in were I was going to study I said in English, creative writing, with a giant smile on my face and I didn't even had to fake it.

They look surprise, wish me luck My mother yelled whut and I avoid stupid question with vague answers.

long story short. Be a bit selfish once in a while. Do what you think feel right, what make you feel good, makes you happy. What ever its a profession, who you love and who you are.

Do what you want.

Steph~

A-to-Z blog Reflection post!

I actually forgot about it until I check the list of blog I'm fallowing and saw all of the reflection posts. SO here is my crappy one :D

The goal I had during April was to share my stories. And I did, even if it was probably just confusing since when I start I can't stop writing about my stories so I force myself to stop and it probably was stiff ( not probably I know it is.)

Another part of the goal I had for that challenge was to find knew blog friends and fallow different blogs that interest me. and I am proud every day when I see that I get a new comment or a new follower, I try to respond to all the comments since I don't have a lot anyway.

I like the challenge, keep me up on my toes, regular schedule. Different topic and sharing my daydreams of when I was a kid. I really enjoyed it and will plan to do it again next year! :D

I hope you all enjoyed it just like I did!

And now I present:

Take care everyone :D

Steph~