Report 138 - Midway in 2014

We are already in June! WOOHOO

For this report, I will analyze my progress in 2014 goals.  I told myself that this year I would be more productive, that I would follow the path I made.  And boy did I have a lot to tell you.

On the mark of four months, I finished more then I ever had in two years I'm pretty sure.

Here is what I had wrote for my Big Fun Scary List of 2014 and what I was able to accomplish so far.

1. Once a week,post half a chapter of Not a Super Villain

• I actually finished posting Part one of the story AND revised part 2 AND am going to self-publish it in two  weeks.  I want above and beyond what I had plan, and though I was only  be able to finish.

1. plan,outline and write
• That…didn't go as well as I hoped.  Mostly because I focused more on Not a SUper Villain then anything, but also I keep moving from one idea to another.  I did plan and outline half an arc story. Start writing Winter Frost, but I didn't like how it was going so I stopped.
2. 333 project ( winter)
• This went better then I hoped. I cleaned my cloths that didn't fit me or things I wasn't going to were anymore.  I cleaned maybe two bags worth of stuff.   I did winter cloths and summer cloths.  I think I still have to go through some of the article of clothing I have again.
3. clean out the clutter in my office
• four to five bags after, It is actually done.  It is one of the best achievement I ever did.
4. paint
• I paint once and a while, when the mood strikes.
5. eat better
• Better then before, but still could do better
6. do the tools everyday
• I didn't even touch this. I should, but I don't think I will, mostly because I don't remember, and ignore my reminders.
7. Evening routing
• was consists of preparing my lunch for the next day, but so far, I ain't gonna do it.
8. Morning routine
• I was good, following what I wanted for four months, and then I stopped for no reason?  I want to continue however.  It consists of meditation and getting ready and stuff.  I want to do meditation more often again.
9. participate and donate to NaNoWriMo 2014
• Unsure if I want to work on Poison Seed story, or Not a Hero story.  But at least I still have a couple of more months.
10. read less fan fiction and more book that I actually own.
• HAHAHAHAHA
11. Learn ASL?
• I bought a book for learning as a started, but I didn't really study it since I want to focus on my Wizardry right now.
12. Less Tumblr
• surprisingly, I am doing good on this goal.  I cleaned the blogs I was following to only the few that I actually care and enjoy their company.  and limiting my time on it to focus more on my writing, and now my online classes.
13. Finish college in Honours
• Most of my grades were above 85 (maybe three were in the 85+, most of the others were in the 90's and over.) so I am not worried about that now.  I am graduating in two weeks, which is scary.
14. get a job
• I accepted a temporary job were I am doing my training right now, so at least I have that.  It isn't permanent, but at least it will keep me afloat until I find something else.
15. use the library to get books instead of buying them.
• I am doing extremely good on this.  I just finished reading books that was on my to-read list.  Now I have some only classes I need to focus on so my reading changed from fiction to Mythology and Divination.  It's actually topics that I enjoy and read on my own time anyway so I am doing well.

so yes, out of 6/15, that is more then I ever thought I would accomplish.  And yes, some I didn't work on, but others I went above and beyond working on them.  Others,  I am doing the best that I can and that is all that I need.  THe best that I can.

I am now working on some online classes like I mention before, so new goals will come and other will have to go for another year.

However, compare to my other years in goals, this is the most I ever accomplished.  I knew that I was going to try harder to follow my goals this year, but I didn't actually see progress until I sat down and looked at my list again.  Only when I was starting to cross off things of the list that I noticed, hey, I am amazing, I am further in my goals that I ever been in half my life.  This is amazing.

I am proud of myself on the journey I have taken, and what is coming along my path.  I have come a hell of a long way, and now I am less afraid of the journey ahead of me.  There is more to learn, and I will be ready.

Blessed be

Steph~

Report 137: Movies can influence your dream. And make you a badass motherfucker.

I had a dream that I was in the mall with my best friend, we were look in a new tiny shop that would sell purses and I was looking at a beige one cause they where really nice looking. It was getting late and me and my friend decided to leave after I did my purchase. Had a weird argument with the cashier that wouldn't use my debit when she just served a men before me acting all dumb like she didn't know how to use it. When she finally got a clue and start the transaction, the whole place lost power. Everything went dark. It was closing time, so not a lot of shops where open now and the tiny shop had the railing up, ready for closing after I was done. BUt there was something weird outside. It was to quite. Slowly, me,my friend, and the cashier walk toward the doors leading outside. TO ONLY BURST A GIANT MOTEHRFUCKER MONSTER!

That...thing looked a lot like the monsters in the Scooby too movie. It was huge, three time the size of a human and was growling and screeching, the leftover people in the mall was panicking and running away. I pushed my friend back in the tiny shop ( the cashier was eaten.) and hid behind the counter until the monsters where further inside.

The exit was block because of debris. I stoled my purse I wanted to buy and slide it over my shoulder, made the strap short like that it was just under my arm. My best friend did the same. We manage to go into other shops. We break in, breaking the doors, not really caring since you know THERE IS GIANT MOTHERFUCKER MONSTER IN THE MALL. I stoled a gun and a shoulder strap, setting it all up. I remember my friend freaking out asking if I even knew how a gun worked? I told her NOPE and pack a bunch of ammo clips in my stollen purse. My friend did the same, and pack a torch and a bear knife. I remember everything from the dream in super detailed and its scary. I took a smaller torch. the place was getting darker from the sun setting and we still could hear the monster moving about, a lot  things getting destroyed and smashed.

Like we where fucking FBI trained me and my friend tried to get in further in the mall, knowing that in a bigger shop Zellers or something that they have a receiving in the back, and wanting to leave through there. We were ambush in the middle of the Zellers, fucking using ninja move and shoot that thing dead. FUcking scaring the shit out of me. That thing is huge, wrinkly and scary. We moved the dead monster behind a counter and continue toward the back. until we got in the receiving which was in chaos and pitch black. We went all in the back until I noticed a person inside a room in the far back. There was too much junk blocking the exit door so I open the door, scaring the shit out of the men inside. We barak the door and stayed there for a few hours until we heard some noise. I had a fight with my friend because I wanted to check it out but she said it was to dangerous with those things outside. But I argued back that the the noise was different, more quite then the huge barrel the monster makes. So I want out, giving orders that the other doesn''t open the door to anyone unless its me.

And it was a bunch of cops, outside we yelled at each other gun drawn out. I didn't want to stand down. Expecially when they said there was no monsters out there. I woke up then, with me glaring at cops because they didn't believe me when there was giant motherfucking monsters out there.

I think I need to watch Hawaii five-o before going to bed....and scooby doo's movies XD At least I didn't wake up scared, I was pretty calm in my dream.Like I knew what to do even though I had no training except from watching cop movies and tv show.

Report 136: On the island.

(picture not mine, I googled it. Confederation Bridge)

We've been living on the island for more then six months now, and I finally place paintings up on the wall! Well two. ANd I laugh since the two I placed first are made by my best friend that she give me when she moved out of the apartment few years ago. I also cleaned up my office, I changed a few things around so now I can actually close the door of my wardrobe.

I've been writing lately, but not on what I should be actually working on, oups. I wrote the full outline for the second book of my Ghost Trackers series. Then I worked a bit on the first novel, but I should do more then that. I just been...focused on something else, mostly homework since mid term have passed and now I need to study for exam that will be coming quicker then I though.

I did apply for some jobs on the island, since me and scott talked and we agreed that we want to stay for another year. We love our apartment and the island, we don't want to move out. Yes it would be easier on us if we would stay in New Brunswick, but it is our decision and we love living here.

Scott is working his way to try and get an assistant manager job where he is working. NO one really believes him when he asked because he only been working for them for a couple of months, but he is dedicated and works hard.  I'm also going to have an interview ( via SKYPE! :D) next week. Totally sure it was today but then I check the email again and it was March 7 so I was like: Daannmm.

Nothing much happen in the month, except for the "reading week" which is their version of March break. I had plan to read all my books but instead I just...tumblr all day and clean the apartment. Fun times. Okay yes I got skype finally when I was talking with my best friend where I missed the sowing machine loud noise. She said "why not?" and it made me download skype but I didn't even call her yet, I got a call from my mom and now they are calling at least once a week or every two weeks or so.

its awkward, because I have no idea what I can talk to them. I just find it funny because every time they call scott is working at nights so they miss him. And I mean, there is so much I can talk about two classes. I could talk about my progress in my writing but the only thing that interest them is if my grammar is perfect, not the story ( which is depressing, so I keep it to myself).

For valentines day, Scott changed the plan at the last minute, we had previously planned that I would have cooked him a dinner at home while he worked until 5, but then he wanted to go out. And I was like, your kidding me! Its Valentines Day! so yeah, we got no place at all, even if I tried to call in advance for reservation, but not only was it Valentines day, but it was Kids eat free day ish. NO PLACE AT ALL. We ate at McDonalds. I got books, I let him get a DLC for Skyrim.

I FINALLY GOT A BOOK BY JOHN GREEN! I got Paper Town. I still didn't read it since I'm half way into Cinder like a week ago. And I still have a bunch of books I want to read that are all placed accordingly on my desk.Its quite pretty.

Anyway I have to go, one assignment needs to be written and a outlines has to be planned.

Take care,

Steph~

Report 135: New Years! And 2012-2013 goals reflection!

There is this theory, in NaNoLand, that the more busy you are the more achievement you make. In 2012 I had a few writing goals, and I can say I achieve a lot of them. THough I am ashamed of myself since I only work on the one that is consider easy. I work hard on my revision, that is true. But I could do a lot more. I could work a lot more on it. Ever since I started University I have been very busy, and the writing kind off took a stop.

This year, I am still not sure or have a good...idea structure I guess. I have three class this semester and they are taking most of my time. But I want to edit and post some of my stories I wrote for NaNoWriMo 2012, and to go back on my novel revision. I will have to reread basically everything to go back to the stage I left, but it be fine. I actually had a dream that make a better ending then the one I originally had. And I probably will try to make a few more scenes. Since I know that my Ghost story is about Daniel discovering he is Half ghost in the private institute for Ghost Trackers. However, I don't really know how to proceed with the school part of it. Or even how to make the evil bad guy a bad guy. ( except you know the part where Gregory( bad guy) is actually sucking the souls of everyone.)

It still could do a lot more work for me to be able to write it properly since I kind off just jump in it with out a good grasp of the back story. And the back story is actually important. Some what. To make sense of everything else anyway. There is also the problem of, because I am taking so much long brakes between revision I have a more longer time to brainstorm and change my mind. Which both sucks, and amaze me. Since I came up with much better idea everything, but sucks since it basically change the whole story all over again. I'm sticking with the original story I wrote in pen fro the first time. Since it is the story I originate and liked, and using my other brilliant idea for sequel of some sort. Because hell if Ghost exist in these world, there is bound to be more magical creature in existence am I right? Right.

In other note, my boyfriend is going to apply for the work force ( as a cook) and we are thinking of moving again, meaning that my studies will be either on hold or transferred again. Its just...complicated. I wanted, when I apply to UPEI, to get a degree in English like that I be a better writer. I took some Psychology classes and I just had the misfortune to tell my family that I really enjoy Psychology and now, well, everyone is on my back about time, and deciding what I really really want to do with my life and about money,loan and a bunch of crap. MY main goal when I apply was to get better in English. Yes I enjoy Psychology immensely, but it is not for me. One, I can't even read about the nano transmitter and drugs effect with out having a small panic attack, less studying it for the rest of my life. I don't think they understand the concept of emetophobia.

But anyway, my point is, if we do move back in New Brunswick, I don't know if I should continue my study in English language, or go to the workforce and work on my novel. Since I did get better in english amazingly, but I still have a lot of work to do. A Lot.

OMG did you know that my Microsoft word document always automatically change my 'a lot' to 'alot'! It drives me crazy!

Anyway, (/cough cough) I still have time to brainstorm. I will talk about it with scott and see his opinion.

Except for that, my holiday was good! We surprised my mother from coming home earlier then planned ( much earlier) it was fun, made her day. I had a lot of great gift! Teen wolf season 1 in the shelf and a giant owl pillow :D I also received a lot of books and a gift certificate for Chapters ( that I used the next day for Cecelia Ahern recent books I was missing YES). I hope everyone had a great Holiday and New Year! I will be changing my goals page soon and also talk about my classes! My English Linguistic teach is AMAZING! People probably think she is on the side of crazy but I love her, oh my god.

Take care!

Steph :D

Report 134 - Christmas Tree

 A few weeks ago, my mother told me that my sister and her friends where doing a contest of whom has the best looking Christmas tree. It just happened that I bought a christmas tree from Zellers on sale ( since the store is closing). Half the light is working, I barely have any decoration at all, and am forbidden to buy any. SO I told myself: I'm a crafter, I have a lot of things at home that I can use as decoration for my christmas tree, and scott does not want to be part of it – it is all my idea – so I told my mom that hey I will participated too!

Therefor, a few day after, taking a break from studying. I sat down in the middle of my office with those:

I already have a box full of small decoration (top left corner) from my grandmother a few years ago and my sister, as gifts. When I used to work at Staples in Miramichi, after the holidays my boss was getting rid of the window decoration she got for the store, it just happened that I go my hands on them.

SO I have: small decoration, a laminator, window snow-flake decoration, tape, paper clip, scissors, single hole puncher, and construction paper.

I did not have a clear idea of what I wanted to do for my christmas tree. No okay, I had no idea in the first place, I just took out what I could used and went with it. So the first thing I did was laminated the window decoration like that they are more stable.

Then I cut them up and place a single whole on the top, and with the paper clips I improvised.

I end up with a lot more then expected so I was happy. Today I finish off the top decoration: a star, like always, and took a picture of the end product. It is ugly. But it is okay, because I made it. I made it with my own hand and that's what I like. Good thing out of that ugly thing is that there won't be any glitter on the floor! So there it is, my Christmas tree. Under the tree there is the fake snow with the village, and my family's gifts.

I also finished my first semester of University! I loved it. I still didn't receive my final grade but I am confident that I did well, against everyones believed. Scott and I love living on the island, we've been slowly saving up and taking care of the car ( new battery!). Scott is working away, while still looking for a better paying job, but it is hard to find, but he still apply to some. I went and saw a career counsellor, like I was asked, and I feel bad for the poor women since I was just there bawling crying because I have no idea what I want to do anymore, since everyone I tell are just saying it is not good enough and should do better. Or that I will fail because I suck. Thanks guys, my depression is just in need of more wood for the fire!

I compiled a mind map, the day after the meeting with the counsellor, of everything I loved working in and what I would love to do in my future. With what I discovered in myself, I changed my course outline for my second semester and chosen the classes I want to take in the summer to see if I really want to go in that path.

I know I ask for material thing for christmas, but what I really want to have when I go down, is conversation that is not about my future jobs, my inability to make a decision with only TWO class under my belt.I want to talk about the news, weather, my new friends, Scott's friends, my future classes, books, movies, my writing, cooking, funny stories, how everyone is, new projects, how Scott's family is, plans for the summer, camping. Anything else that will bring the joy in our stay.

That is all I'm asking. You can all send me a rent of text in a email or text the day after we leave, but not before. Because I will pack and leave.  I love you all deeply, but there is so much kick in the guts feeling I can take in a month.

Thank you,

Steph

Report 133 - Ghost Ship

(I have a feeling that ghost pirate ship is a recurring theme in my blog...HO WELL)

This is a funny story of me and my dad during the first opening day of Sobey's in Bathurst. It was a really big deal during that time because the only grocery store we had was the atlantic super store.  I was around 16 and picking up my dad from work at like 4:30 and we decided to stop by and check the place.

The Sobey's is not as big as the atlantic store, but it has a huge fruit and veggie section, and my dad love that. So when we got in the parking lot, it was fairly busy, so keeping together we walk in the building and the first thing you could see was a tall table displaying some product but behind the table, kept high, was this most beautiful, detailed ice sculpture of a ship sailing the waves.

It was magnificent, I stood there like an idiot staring at it, trying to capture all the detail in memory, mouth open and drooling. My dad with a grin, warp an arm around my shoulder and told me it was a ghost ship.

"REALLY?"
"yes, if you look at it for a period of time it will disappear." He said to me, I stood there for another maybe five minute, before following my dad checking the place. There was a lot of small tables to taste some new products. My dad goal was to taste EVERYTHING, even the goat milk. There was something about chicken, that was not about its egg or the meat that I don't remember and I know I don't want to remember anyway.

But the point is, I couldn't stop thinking about the ghost ship at the entrance. I kept turning around to look at it and try to figure out how it would disappear. My dad would grin every time I would turn around, and i kept having this feeling of wrongness about the whole thing. Thats when it click.

Its a fucking ice sculpture.

I groan and my dad laugh and pat my shoulder, it took me maybe 10-15 minutes to get his joke.

Its a ice sculpture, it will melt after a while, hence disappearing making it a ghost ship. I hated myself for the whole way back home and dad counted the story to my family, laughing at my stupidity. My dad is a joker, a trickster and my oldest sister and I always fall for his joke.

Still in the ghost ship topic, we do have a ghost ship in the Bathurst area. My mother said she saw it when she was young, walking to the bus stop for school. She said she heard two really strong dongs and when she look at the bay she saw a ship burning as it sink in the sea. It last for maybe a second, she blinked and it was gone. They call it the phantom ship, many people seen it, for a bare second to hours.

Report 132 - Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I work very hard for the past year, I’m good at my job and I like it. I study and work hard in my class and I think I deserve to be on the nice list. There is a few things I want, okay a lot of things, but some are not really materials that people you can give me like, Scott’s health, safe drives, and my health being good. Those I want but no one can really give to me except myself, so I made a list of things that I could have.

The first Item on my list is my alligator stapler. I had one for a very long time but recently it broke. It closed its jaw for the last time and I am very sad about it. I found it twice in my whole life, the first time, it wasn’t even my stapler, it was another student that showed it to me in middle school, a few month after I found it again at Dollorama and bought it on the spot. It was the last on too! But now I can’t find it anywhere from where I’m living and I hope that, being around the world and all, you be able to spot one for me.  :D

The second item on my list is the book 7 of Amos Daragon in French, of course. I though I had all the books in the series but I notice I am missing the book 7, and where I live, the book stores do not have a French section. Plus I did a vow to my boyfriend that I wont buy any books, movies, nick knacks and other things, for at least a year, OR until I would have pay my MacBook again. It’s a long story.

The third item on my list, can be either Cinderella Blu-ray DVD or an iTunes card. I like the movie Cinderella and when I saw they release it again in Blu-ray I was very happy, but like I mention above, I can’t buy movies yet. And a iTunes card because there is this album I like very much to get since I’ve been using YouTube to listen to them and the announcement are annoying at times.

There is more on my list, like the Teen Wolf series DVD or a landscape world wonders calendar, but they are not as important as my alligator stapler or the Amos Daragon book. I hope my list will help you, and I hope you keep an eye open for my alligator stapler, thank you and have a safe trip around the world!

Love,

Stephanie.

Report 131: first day at University

Hey I'm alive! :D

I just didn't post much since there is absolutely nothing new that happen the last few weeks. But now there is!

I started my classes at the University! Today was the first day, I got my books ( 300$!! Jesus), and meet the teachers. Yesterday I ordered my Macbook through Staples, by the time they will receive it I will receive my loan so its awesome.

3 years ago, I started this blog, to vent and remember my assignment in college, it sort off merge into a blog about my opinion and track of what I want to do in life. Well now its back to keep track and vent about my classes.

I only have two class each semesters: English 101, and Psychology 101

The English class is small, 25 student in it, it was cozy, the teacher told us what we should expect during this semester and its a lot of writing, which I totally happy about!  The Psychology class....we were 209 people in it. It was amazing, and the teacher was amazing, I can't wait to get into that class, its just..blow my mind out I love and am interest to listen and understand all the part of the human brain.

I also been revising my novel lately, Its going slowly, but I am really impress by the work and how much more interesting it is now. I was surprised on how the red pen everywhere didn't make me have a panic attack like usual but more like " FUCK YEAH I'M A WRITER" feeling XD

everything is kind of pilling up in my life, revising, classes, and work. Well work is still giving me 20plus hours, if its still like that next week I have to ask for less hours unfortunately since I need to study, and work on assignments. I'm not even sure if I be able to do NaNoWriMo this year D: I have like a huge research paper due in the end of November, well in the whole November we work on that so, with my  nonexistence of ability doing research papers, I want to focus on that, but if I can make it as a fiction story, fuck yes I'm doing nano.

all in all, the class look promising, I'm very interest in the Psychology class, its like, everything I was interested to know about and the Writing class I will FINALY have good feed back on my writing. Instead of pity looks and blame on my lack of understanding the grammars structure in English. Well, if you would tell me why its wrong and how to fix it for future reference I would probably stop.Maybe not. But at least I would know and keep it in my laundry list! ( Laundry list is a list of things when working on a novel to keep track off like that it keeps the story consistence .)

Anyway, yeah, I can't wait to see how it goes. I will have to limit my internet use now ( damn you tumblr, stealing all my time and life) but I will try and summit a few reports on how things going.

take care! :D

Steph~

Report 130: Vision Board, or BIG FUN SCARY LIST!

Report 130: Vision Board, or BIG FUN SCARY LIST!

The difference between a Vision Board and A Big, Fun, Scary list. 

IN 2010 I made this Big Fun Scary List of stuff I want to buy/own in 3-5 years to come. I had it post it on my blog, but I wrote everything down in that year notebook. A few months ago, I delete that list from my blog and it dawn on me of why I deleted. I finish it. Well the list grew and changed within the year but it still had the same items from when I started. This is what I started with:

• 2 22” screen for computer
• Macbook pro
• iPad
• android phone
• L shape, red wine color desk
• Matching living room set
• Normal decoration on the walls like pictures and stuff
• New speakers for desktop computer
• Flat screen TV
• New bed set
• Wii fit
• Camcorder. 

I got a new screen for my computer but only one, since I’m not a programmer now I give the second one to Scott who needs it more than me. I bought a android tablet for Scott birthday, we both use it. I got my awesome android slide keypad phone this summer. I got a L shape desk for my birthday last year from Scott. I got a new bed set from mom in Christmas 2011. I have now a matching living room set (lazy boy set from Scott’s parents)

I have a bunch of decorations that I bough, received, and got as gift. I have yet to place them up.

Scott has a flat screen TV so that one was scratch after we moved in together in 2011. I got WiiFit in 2010 Christmas, and got a camcorder Christmas 2011.

I’m saving for my macbook for this year. There is a bunch of special for students so I am planning to buy it for my education.

The only thing that wasn’t scratch of is the speakers for the desktop. But I don’t think I will ever scratch it off, because I am satisfied with the crappy one I have. It was a gift from my best friend when she got her new ones. And It does its job like I want so I don’t really mind. I like really. And I will be more on my macbook when I get it then my desktop after, so it doesn’t really matter.

When I get my macbook, I’m transforming my old laptop to be hook up on the flat screen TV like that we can watch TV shows online. Basically the only thing that be on the red laptop be a antivirus and internet. Nothing else needed.

I placed a lot of place to visit and vacation with Scott on the list. But I’m not much of a traveler, so it will be in much longer future, especially since I will be back to University. I didn’t plan those 2 years ago. But there is one, that always migrate in all the vision board I made of the stuff I want and it was a picture of Prince Edward Island red beach and I mark in a silver marker, “Live in PEI” I mark that in 2010, October 2010.  I never though about it, like it would be a possibility I just really really liked PEI. And yet, here I am! 2 years after! The same picture still in my vision board now attach on the wall in my apartment, in Charlottetown PEI.

Now my vision board is more of things that tells me I am beautiful, that make me happy thinking of the future. My macbook, that I can do it, that I will have the creative writing course in UPEI. Future wedding.

I have a vision board since high school, because in art class we watch “The secret” and it was part of our assignment. But I never truly understood what the vision board actually meant to do.  In 2010 I bought a new board because the original one was filled up with things that inspired me, remembered post it, letters, flowers, necklace and all kind of crap. The original vision board took a hike after I had my grade on it because in high school I didn’t know what I wanted. I just took some picture and plaster it on the board on what I thought I should do; like you know wedding, the men of my dream and lots of money. It wasn’t what I truly wanted.

So I bought a new one in October when I fill up with my BIG FUN SCARY List of stuff I want. When I was done and looking at it, I got curious and start reading the Secret again because, in that moment after looking at my master piece of crap I want. I dawn on me that, this was it. Thats how a vision board must look like. It was full pack of stuff I want in the future, it didn’t need to be big at all like the men of dream or awesome job and lots of money; it just had to be small things I wanted. Like a new bed sets, and speakers.

I read “the secret” again, and watch the movie. I had the urge to modify my vision board after to add like, my dream house and stuff but I didn’t because THAT board, was the BIG FUN SCARY LIST board, not a vision board. SO I didn’t touch it. The only time I did was to take out things and place new items.

In the end, the vision board works in different ways for everyone.  For some, it’s a collage on a huge poster with their own pictures they took, and craft. Others, is photoshoping pictures found in Google or took themselves and place them as their background on their computer. For me it’s my BIG FUN SCARY LIST of stuff and crap I want.

The vision board and the BFSL are seen different in my eyes, because of the way it was described and showed to me.

The way I see vision boards is people that already had a taste of real life on their hands, so they want a better job, a better house, vacations and just better things. I didn’t have a taste of real life yet when I started the vision board. I have now, like a year of experience as a graduate, I can see the appeal of wanting all those better things.

But I don’t want to. I love where I live. I love my job. I love my boyfriend. I love the free time I have to just lazing around the house and watch movies after movies, or staying up late engross in a awesome book, and showing my boyfriend away because Its INTENCE and I NEED to finish it.

I don’t want a better house, I don’t want better car. I have what I need. Yeah sure it be great to have a better pay, but I don’t mind, if it happens to me I will accept it with open arms, but if it doesn’t I just shrug it off and continue living.  I’m okay on how I am living now, yeah its tight at some times, but we get through it, one step at a time. I love where I work, I don’t know why I would change right now, maybe in a few years, but even there I don’t know what I want for a job now so why would I be asking for something new when I don’t know what I want.

That’s why I like the BFSL. It’s all things I KNOW I want. That I KNOW I can have with a bit of work and patience.

BFSL is exactly what it says. They are BIG fill of FUN things, and Scary because you add things you would never admit to anyone.

I want a fucking Cinderella wedding! IN a church! Because I want people to stand up and turn to look at me and cry because I’ll be FUCKING BEAUTIFUL! Maybe not in a church, outside, but with the cheesy movie lines and everything, I want a white dress with design and a trail in the back with white rose’s bouquet. I want voile and a tiara and everything! Add the white gloves that goes above my elbow and I be ecstasy! (Intense happiness)

I want a party and dance, with classic rock music. And like cutting the cake and eat the first piece with my boyfriend super cheesy like. I want THAT.

And the worst is that I CAN! Thanks to Florida Disney world Wedding package. :D

I never admit it to anyone ( except for now :D), it was always boild up inside of me, and it was scary as FUCK to search pictures and admit it to myself when I print what I want and post it on my vision board. And I’m not even engage yet. But My boyfriend was like, next to me on the sofa when I was searching for the info/detail on the Disney world package on my laptop. So I think he has an Idea, so it doesn’t really faze him anymore.

Report 129: Anxiety attack Help

Report 129: Anxiety attack Help

***

I've been listening for all my life. I've been helping friends, random people, with their fear and anxiety attacks long before I had mine. And I am willing to listen. To share a few words with you, if you want.

For free.

Just send a email and I will listen to you.

Zenxara@stephsreport.com

***

One more month and I'm starting University again. I;m going to study in English, in Creative writing.

Yeah, I'm panicking.

And its blocking my creativity a lot. People can say its an excused, hell even I say it. But when you wake up in the morning, and the only thing you can eat is half a pop tart for the whole day because of a anxiety attack, it kinda kill the mood ya no?

My attacks, effect my mind. Its a huge mental battle inside, where everything I fear, everything I doubt and scared of happening creeps in my mind and never give me a second to breath. I have ALL the tactic down in my head. I;m writing my thoughts, trying to meditate; clearing my mind. Trying to over power my thoughts with positive thinking but sometimes, its to powerful and gets to me.

People who have anxiety attacks will understand. Others, wont.

My sister ( the oldest) understands when I try to explain to my mom my fears, my attacks, but my mom doesn't understand, because her attacks are more physical then mentally. She faints, shake and cant breath.

I fight in my head to say that I am worthy. That I can. Some times its so strong that its like a consent pressure in the middle of my chest that gives me heart burns and I cant swallow a thing. Its like a heart attack, but wurst. How can a anxiety attack can be wurst then a heart attack? Heart attacks heals. Anxiety attacks will creep on you every seconds of the rest of your life. You are stuck trying to keep your mind in check to prove that you can do what you love that you matter.

And that's the hardest to believe.

YOU.MATTER. YOU ARE STRONG.

I'm still reminding myself every morning.

When I had my first real and huge anxiety attacks, the nurse told me the best cure is to talk to someone.

It can be true.

But how do you start? How do you explain your fear, your pain? How do you explain what you want to do in your life, your mother doesn't approve?

I love my mother deeply. Even if she is the reason of my fear to write.

When I did a test, to find my fear and try to over come them and be able to write again, I just froze in dismay. I cant just cut loose my connection with my mom, I barely have one already! My mom doesn't care what I study or what I want to do in life, just that I get a good paying, dead end job with benefits, retirement money and crap like that. She tells me that, she remind me of that because she is scared. She wants the best for my life and me having a good paying job and benefit will ease her fear.

I live for a year as a part timer at Staples. I'm still living with that pay. My bank is more empty then it is full. But I pay my rent, my bills. I have food on the table and I do what I want and love. 

Every ones attack are different. Like every ones anchor will be different. I read a lot of self help books to help me find my anchor, to get a handle on those attacks. I merge some of their tips to something that convince me.

I write, I read and meditate. Meditating keeps my breathing regular and my heart beat normal. I write to find what trigger the attack in the first place and explain, to my mind, why its ridiculous to get an attack from that. And I read, to get my mind off of it, because after I try to resonate with my mind, it will always have a BUT, I just say NO firmly and continue with my day as if it didn't happen.

Writing down in the same notebook all my attacks can give me an idea what trigger happen the most, and how I can control it better after I'm back.

When I read all those help books, they talk as if its super easy to take care of anxiety attacks like that. It isn't. Only one self help book understood how difficult a anxiety attack is (keep calm and carry on.) but even there, most of the tips it give me was to much like a question, answer pattern.

I know how hard it is, how frustrating and scary it is. And I want to help.

I know how talking to someone is hard, but it helps. I write, but I write to my characters of my stories. I vent to them, I talk to them, and they answer me back. They help me go through my attacks.

But its good to just have someone to listen. To say how much they care. But mostly to vent down, to yell, be angry, cry or share your fear. Sharing what you are scared to most off can lift so much off your chest.

And I can listen.

I've been listening for all my life. I've been helping friends, random people, with their fear and anxiety attacks long before I had mine. And I am willing to listen. To share a few words with you.

For free.

Everything will be between you, and me. NO posting on the blog. NO posting on journals.NOT even be paying. Just me and your anonymously. 

If you want advice, I will give the best of what I can. IF you just need a ear to listen I will be there. IF its a shoulder to cry on.  Go for it.

You will feel better after word. Its guarantee.

I'm not a psychologist, I'm a novelist.

I am here for you. I will listen to you.

Zenxara@stephsreport.com

Just write everything your heart desired, and I will listen to you with open arms.

Report 128: Land of Stories

Report 128: Land of Stories

News:

I went to chapter on the 17 and got the Land of Stories by Chris Colfer ( I check only 3 days later and I'm still the only one who bought it. Sad).  There was a lot of special and was lucky enough and didn't buy like...everything. I  was holding myself back, cause really I don't even have place to put the books I bought. I got Artemis Fowl: the Atlantis Complex by Eoin Colfer (5$!!) and a huge fairy tale book ( 10$). More books to place on my reading list. But I made a promise to my boyfriend and myself really, that I will read Games of Throne in one go, and when I will finish it we can watch the TV show base on the book. Scott love the TV show and wants me to watch it with him, so It will make him happy.

except for that I played Minecraft with a add on that I can capture pokemon and they help me battle monsters, its totally fun. I wrote and prepare for the 7 portal project, I got a bit more to write before I start scanning and get the first step ready for posting. I have like close to 20 pages already. I have to explain how I work, and how everyone will be different in the just gathering information stage.

Ho that remind me, talking about my story, Scott is a 3D modeler, a environmental 3D modeler, so I convince him ( and if he wants), to use my world, the world the story will be in, as practice for his portfolio, so I will have really 3D Image for my world :D I give him The White forest first, since its the one I have most detailed.

That's all for the news!

Progress:

I actually did a lot more progress this week. I have written at least 3/4 of the story. But you can see for the start that I was trying to keep the story from when I was a kid, but the  more I moved forward in the story the more the character aged, the more the danger became more... terrifying. There is still some elements of when I saw the story when I was a kid. It just evolve to make more sense. I only  have trouble with the villain. He is just...never there. But I keep in mine that the character is always risking your life with flesh eating mermaids, giant frost monsters, ear piercing screeching wolf, and others.

Books:

Land of Stories by Chris Colfer. I read it in 2 days. I'm actually surprised it last that long. I'm actually surprised that I read it at all!When I got it on the day of its release ( yesterday 17 of July) It was like a dream. I could really believe it. Even before I got to bed I had it in my hand and I just... It felt like a dream, like any minute now I would wake up and I would still be in college living with my best friend, instead of being here, waiting for University to start, with Chris fucking Colfer book in my hand.

Chris Colfer is one of my biggest inspiration, my roll model and idol. He is a great men, sweet with full of passion for what he do and love. Which just happen that what he do is what he love the most. I bought the book to support him, I read the book because I'm geniousely curious of his writing, and I enjoyed every single second of it.

for the right start I could feel the characters pain, their emotion. Every little secret that he reviel to the character and us, made me want to read more, to never let go ( which you know I did, If it where for me I would have finish it yesterday but I had to go to bed in normal hours since I work today), the question poping in my head and I just wanted to know the truth, why. Who is he, what are they, how its going to fold out.

And its not until I finish the book that all the question got answers. and it surprised me soo much, it wasn't what I expected at all, and I love that. He was able to hide the truth from us until the very end. He was able to grab us with his word and witty characters until the very beginning.

I can usually know how a story will end because thing start to became predictable, but Chris Colfer surprised me, it made me cry in emotion ( making my boyfriend looking at me weirdly). I enjoy the book, and would recommended to anyone. Its a very well made book.

What book, you where so sure you knew the answers, but got so surprised at the end?

Report 127 International Blogging

Report 127: International Blogging

News:

 I start taking the class by Jeff Goins called International Blogging, basically it's a 12 week course to help build a blog and get lots of traffic. (If interest for the free class click here , yes it is 100% FREE)

I'm only only at the second lesson right now and he ask me ( us) to brainstorm a subject, something we are passionate about, something we can do for hours end and never get bored or sick of it. When I read that, the first thing that pop out in my mind was Imagination. Not writing like I though it would be the right answer, but the source off all writing, Imagining the story in place first. I love just lying down and see a epic journey behind my eyelid. I love daydreaming ( huge source of nearly failing school, oupss), I love trying to remember in detail my dreams to write it down. I love to watch movies for the their story, or just engross in a novel for the journey.

For hours on end I love to do nothing but imagine stories.

Now He ask us question trying to find the focus on what we want to bring to our blog, what we want our blog to be really. But I got a blank, I don't really understand how I get to one part to the other. How can I divided Imagination in sub group? I love doing it, but writing about it? How can you write a process on Imagination? really.

I used this blog for 3 years now as a source for me to lay down my though and find what I want to do in my life. But I still don't know. Or well I'm not sure. If it was up to me I would be a house wife. But I don't like doing chores much.I like writing, I really do, but to be honest, It been months I didn't touch my revision and I didn't even start the 7 portal project. Its in my mind and I feel guilty every time I put it aside to do something else, it's like... I feel like its not my priority at all. I tried to work on my laptop, I usually do a lot of work on my laptop, but its dying, it took just like 10 minute to open the word document, and every time I was writing 3 to 5 words it would freeze up and I kept getting panic attacks wondering if I would be losing my work or if it was going to crash. So I stop working on my laptop, trying to think of a way to fix it, but its in the back of my head for now, my focus is trying to find what motivate me to write, to stop dreaming about doing it, and actually doing it.

Wow that sounds a lot like lesson 1 of How to Think Sideways. I should dig this up, may help me.

Its really frustrating because I really, really want to work but I freeze up every time my hand are near the keyboard( Took me 3 days to write THIS report!).

The Four THINKING Barriers ( all right to Holly Lisle)

SAFE never starts,

PERFECT never finishes,

VICTIM never acts,

FEEL never thinks.

And here is my problem, safe and victim ( thank you Holly). I'm going to read through the lesson tonight and get my shit together like that tomorrow I will be able to work on my projects.

/crack neck and roll shoulders/ Lets do this.

Wish me luck!

Progress:

I got the idea for the 7 portals story, I just have to get my shit together and work on it. I was able to devided and figure out my process on how I bring a idea to full fruition then write it. I was able to make it in small 7 steps ( small HA).

Books:

I visit the Chapters in the town I live now ( HO GOD THEY HAVE A CHAPTERRRS sooo happpy) and was able to find The element of style by William Strunk jr, and E.B. White. I'm taking my time to read and understand the process of writing. Its a great little book, I am really happy that I bought it. It was recommended to me many time but I just didn't want to buy it online, I though that if I find it someday I would take it. And I am happy about my decision. Would it have help me earlier? Perhaps. But probably not, its only now that I am in the mind set of really wanting to understand and learn. If I would have got it earlier it probably be lost in my book shelves and I wouldn't be thinking of it now.

I am taking notes of it, in a little green book that I bought. Its purse size so I'm caring it with me at all time. I'm learning slowly,more like, I'm understanding. I only have it for a few days and I'm not very far through it but thats okay because I want to understand, I dont want to skim it and try to remember later.

Would I recommended? Yes, total yes.

If you see it in the reference section, take it, its worth the 10 buck.

What book did, surprisingly, help you? What subject?

for me:

Writing:

• The Element of Style by William Strunk jr and E/B White.
• How to Revise your Novel by Holly Lisle ( all courses now sold on Amazon)
• No plot? No problem! by Chris Baty

Anxiety attacks:

• The Secret to Teen Power by Paul Harrington (better explication)
• Happiness project by Gretchen Rubin
• Little ways to KEEP CALM and CARRY ON by Mark A. Reinecke, PH.D.

Report 126, its time to stop hiding and start posting!

I got the ebook " You are a writer" by Jeff Goins and it got me thinking, when I finish it ( BTW very good book, inspiring and hit all the right place to give writers a boost--kick in the but-- to get things together and write, like a writer should do.)

It got me thinking. I am a writer, but no one would believe or trust my word because I never publish anything! And well it got me thinking of, getting a kick in the ass and actually publish something, on my blog or something just... like a wip/ first draft of a story I want to write.

my grammar isn't great, I had a voice and lost it with a fight of words by trying to stop trying to copy other writers style because I want to be like them. I liked to reread my old stories I write with pen on paper because its me, its my voice and I don't think when I wrote those, I just followed what the voice of my character told me, I wrote and describe what I saw, and I love reading it, I laugh again when I get to know my characters over and over again. ( drive my boyfriend nuts, say I'm weird because I laugh at my own stuff, I just say I'm that good :P )

I want to get my voice again, but its a huge fight in my head, to get words on a page that make sense, while I"m trying to edit as I write, over thinking because I'm afraid that every word I place down is miss spelled or that I didn't place the right grammar or anything really. I just got that mind set drill in my mind for so long that its hard to break the habit. I'm so scared that my mom would see my stories on paper and get the fucking red pen and just... well burn everything, critic my fucking spelling instead of reading the story.

I want to know about the story I don't care how awful the book will look like at the end, that's what revision are for, but really I got traumatized, that's why it took me so flipping long to start writing again, to get all those stories in my mind down. And like it happen to Jeff Goins, it was my friend who told me, who remind me of my dream.

Yu see, she is a professional plush maker and she makes a lot of big bucks when we were in college and I just, I was jealous, because she had income, by doing something she love to do. I told her that.

I said: " I wish I could do something like that, I wish I could do something I like and get a few bucks" with a shrug, she just look at me, with this look, pure envy,  for something I didn't know

"You write, I wish I could make up amazing stories like you do ever five minutes! That's something you like, you can do something about it."

She did the push, because that, that shock me. I just looked at her like a deer caught in headlight, shocked. that's when it just click in my head, like a swift " Why not? whats stopping me really?" I though to myself, I just hummed and turn around to think about that in my room.

I didn't do anything but it still open this door in my mind that made me wonder really what - why-  was I so scared to write. Now I do, but I still don't publish. I have I don't know how my awful fanfic I wrote on mini notebooks, I have like around 30K or so of fanfic written down in files. So really, I don't know why I should be scared, yeah no one likes critics, but I learn that it also can be a good way to improve. It did for my art why not my writing right? I wrote once every week for the past year, and when ever I read back in previous reports I can see on how much I improve.

anyway back to the point, I want to write a new story and post every progress on this blog ( cause I hate making other blogs I like to focus on just one.) I wont be starting right now on posting chapters and my writing. No I want to make it awesome. I want to show how I do my thinkering. I want to, basically have a record of how I go from idea, scenes, story, to first draft.

The first step I guess is to choose which story I be doing. No more hiding.

I do want t write about my first story, my first live character in my mind, the place I would go when ever I got bored in school. But I have two that I get down too that I really liked. First one, was called "The seven portals" ( okay it was "the 7 spheres" but really portal is better I did change it a few years back so it counts) which is the first story where you meet James (A -to-Z blog challenged post ) its his first adventure.

 The story goes down to, a representative of earth is randomly chosen to find and destroy the sphere across the world to stop a evil being to get to them ( and you know take over the world.) Its both a adventure and romance story.

I think, if I remember correctly I decided that it would be seven because I was what, 12-14 and just started to read harry potter and wanted to be just like J.K.Rowling. ( who doesn't!) I remember binding a stack of white paper together and color the back and front like a real book with my name and the title and I wanted to write it in there, but never manage too, just kept the story to myself cause I was scared my mom and sisters would read it and say it sucks.

god that was such a long time ago....HO god I'm old.

Anyway.

The second one is something I will write anyway, before or after, its the same deal seven ( I think, I'm just remembering out the top of my head for this one, the first one, the seven portals, I recently look back through my old notes for it), its " The guardians" where, again, a human girl comes down to the new world and which a bunch of kids are in training and search for their god guardian, when they found it they are transformed with their spirit god animal, get stronger with special ability and try to win the endless war once and for all.

James is there, older and wise and help the kids in their journey.

This story, is more about the history of their world, their gods. It's still witty and the kids are send through a bunch of trial to get their spirit god animal. Its like Digimon and sailor moon merge together. Digimon because of their search witting themselves to find their guardians, and sailor moon because they transform after. They get armor and a design weapon to match the god that they will basically represent, or that the god chose.

I have a bunch of stories in this world I want to create ( I call it Tjar).

I have one its like romeo and Juliette but with a river mermaid and an wood/forest elf.

I have another its a group of four trying to find the four dragon head to protect the world from a evil force coming down on their world. That one is sad, one of the guy dies, but he is remembers by the gods and made as a constellation in the sky. And we get to see the white village, its just so beautiful. I wish I could take a picture of my imagination or mind right now and like post it. I'll will paint it someday.

Its-It's like its name, its white, but not blinding, just pure. It calm and when ever you walk around there you fell so relax and well rested. The grass is white and blue like its made of snow, the threes are tall and scares, everything is leveled, there is no noise, no animal live there though, there is little lights floating around and there this soft present all around you, covering you in a warm blanket like. (everything look like its covered in snow and ice, threes, grass, leaves, everything.) That's the presence of magic, That's where the biggest source of magic there is in that world.

... Sorry got carried away.

I think the best course of action would be to start at the beginning, the first story and since everything goes around James age, might as well start when we first meet him! Seven portal it is! I wont be able to start working on it right away unfortunately ( one, everything is pack because I'm moving in like 5 days.) but when I will have everything in control again in my life ( moving, job, uni) I'll start planning along side of my revision. It would give me a new push, a new motivation to continue writing. I will place a new tab for it, to remind me.

Thanks for reading! Comment are welcome and always loved,

Steph~   :D

Report 125 terrified

In a week, we be moving to PEI and I am absolutely terrified.

IN a week, I"m packing all my shit up and move in another PROVINCE! I wouldn't be as scared if I still be in NB but we decided to move in PEI. I have no regret, I love the island, everyone I talk to and say I be moving there say that I will love, I will enjoy it. Everyone that once lived there say they absolutely adore it.

I think the reason that I am freaking out inside the most is that I was giving all my hopes on Scott having a good job over there but we still didn't hear anything form the company over there when he send his application. Today is the Jalloo festival ( a two day convention where people from the gaming and animation industry comes down and give workshops, plus a time for industries looking for hiring can look through the graduates portfolio.) and there is a few people from PEI that came down. So we have a chance there for Scott to talk and get probably a job, so its good.

I'm freaking out because we don't have friends over there, it will be 4 hours of drive to visit my parents, 6 hours to visit his, around 2 hours to visit my best friend.

I'm freaking out because I only have enough hours at work to pay my half of the rent and food, nothing else and I'm going to University this coming fall. My laptop is dying, I'm giving it him 3-4 months max, its overheating to much and getting to slow no matter how much I'm cleaning it, its to old and probably melting all the parts on the motherboard by now.

I want to get a Mac, but its around 1900$ and that's basically my car assurance right there. I wonder if the school would buy it for me because I need it for my classes. I kinda can bring my big ass tower to school really. I was planning on using my laptop ( and a voice recorder) to take notes for my courses but with the Mac laptop I can just have the app Keynote ( I think that's the one) and I can both recorder the lecture AND take notes. Its awesome.

...Okay I got distract from the apple website, I was looking at the difference with the air and pro mac, because I didn't remember why I went with the mac pro. Then I notice they don't have a 15inch in the mac air so that answer my question. I want to see things, I like the 15inch screen its comfortable for me. And it doesn't have a CD drive, well that settles it!

There is a lot that scares me but in the same time I'm excited, its a new place a new beginning, a new path being fallowed, and I'm doing it with someone I love, in a place we both really, really like. We will make new friends, and there is a lot to see and do over there, so many events! A new place for a new life, doing something that I love to do. Its going to be so fun.


Its going to be quite something.

Steph~

Report 124 My Childhood is now complete.

My best friend, during free comic book day found clow cards and she bought them, When she show it off online I ask if she could get me a pack too and behold! My clow cards ~ :D





I'm soo happy

Also Also I finally found a original Abby Monster High doll!! I've been searching for her for months and now  my collection is complete...or until I find another ( or they come out with) another one I like and want.

See I'm a horde. When there is an item I want, that bugs a place in my mind I need it. And I will work hard, wait until said item is cheaper and will eventually get. Like the dolls I love to just looking at them they are a source of inspiration for me. There is magazine that I get because of pictures of natural environment and it just click in my head so I take it, cut it and post it somewhere on my wall. There is games I bought that I never played but I keep it anyway because I can't keep apart from it. I do sell or throw out stuff, some hurts inside of me, but I do it because I know I don't need it anymore and that its just taking space ( I got ride of 30 books because of that.)

I have plushies I keep because its sentimental and they small and fit in a box. I HAVE A BOX FULL OF FLIPPING ROCKS! I always wanted those cards, I found them, I'm taking them, fuck the price.

I'm studying right now on how to read fortune with the cards, its fun and interesting. I don't really believe in those things, reading cards because, it just never work for me, all the women I go see with my sister just look at me, look at the card and wince, and say that I don't need it because I cant read the cards myself. My chi is to close up and powerful or something. It's family, my big sister is the same, just like my grand ma.

Anyway I want to learn how to read cards with my clow cards because it be awesome and totally epic. :D

...

And I got a Avenger pin. No regret. At all. :D